I have started to come to terms with the fact that there are no perfect relationships. There is no perfect compatibility in some special person waiting for your eventual arrival. For this, I'm grateful. No relationship should be one of perfect harmony; life would be dull and draining without some sort of opposition. Ultimately though, I am confused as to why people get themselves in such heated passion over opposition, why people can't allow people to believe differently than themselves.
There appears to be a breed of people; a kind of people that love to make dissonance in the universe. People that love to see people break, love to see an "enemy" in a state of anger, or love to create tension in the lives of others. And I do believe it is necessary on occasion; people sometimes need a wake-up-call to life, and sometimes the only thing to be done is to call on their fiery passion.
There is an addiction in anger. I think we all have experienced this strange dichotomy; the pleasure of hate. As long as the anger builds, as long as the heat is sustained, there is a righteous fury, a self-assured knowledge of your superiority to another. It feels fabulous.
Until you come down. Until you realize the wrong you committed as well. Until you caused pain, and the pleasant heat subsides to cold self-loathing at the apparent insensitivity of your actions. And I've been there so often. I've said sorry with pleading hands and broken spirit, not a strand of ego left in my body because I have become what I hated.
So I don't want to create tension anymore. I want to help resolve tension, but I don't know how.
Because, right now, it's easy to say these things. It's easy to say that I will love everyone and I will accept everyone when it's only a concept, when the people I claim to live amongst are only blurred faces in my mind's eye. I can try to live by the concept of a truthless world so that I can accept every truth as equal, never grow angry again. But that's an impossible notion. I would rather never speak ill again. I would rather that my mouth only open for praise and glory and knowledge and laughter. But I will slander again when someone steps on my toes.
And I hope you can forgive me when that time comes.
Some close friends may remember me yelling in my most honest moments "everyone in beautiful". And even now, I know I meant it. And I still mean it. And it is because you are beautiful that I owe you complete respect. It is because we all have infinite potentials that we all owe each other complete understanding, that we all owe each other the opportunity to live and learn. Buddhists bow to the potential Buddha waiting in their counterparts. They respect what could be; the enormous potential and complete color and scheme and glory. We should love, because we all have the potential to be giants. And the giant inside deserves a universe free from the dissonance that destroys not only our adversary, but the potential in us.